


most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs

by deviont



Series: it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, angst angst angst none of you are free from angst, but its very brief like blink and youll miss it, i cant be l ie v e i forgot that one soRRY, past abusive relationship, thats the lams, u dont HAVE to read the first part to read this but itll make much more sense if you do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-10 21:48:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8940727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deviont/pseuds/deviont
Summary: some days, alex is mostly okay.some days, alex is really very far from okay.





	

**Author's Note:**

> again, you dont have to read a perfect sonnet to read this, but it will make much more sense. but hey, you do you.
> 
> anyway, this is really just a self indulgent lil thing i wrote at 3 am this morning bc i was and still am in a v v bad place mentally and needed to get it out. so, poor alex gets to have a bad mental health day right along with me. mind the tags, your mental health is more important than my finely tuned trash. let me know if there are any mistakes, and enjoy!

The day had started just as all their days did. Surprisingly enough, Thomas woke up before Alex did every morning. When the older had learned that Alex wasn’t a morning person, he’d adjusted his own morning schedule to accommodate. Thomas woke up at the same time every morning, even without an alarm, so he stopped setting one during the weekdays. Alex already slept so little, and Thomas didn’t want to disrupt his boyfriend when he did manage to fall asleep. However, he still had to make sure Alex woke up for work, so he typically woke the man up with a kiss and a mug of coffee. As much as the Virginian wished Alex would slow down with all the coffee, he knew better than to deny him the stuff in the morning.

Alex, for his part, loved being pampered. It made him feel important, waking up to Thomas looking down at him like he hung the stars. The coffee was an added bonus. Plain black, because Alex only wanted the boost it gave him and didn’t really care about the flavor. Though, with Thomas’ gentle coaxing, he was beginning to allow himself to indulge a little whenever they stopped at Starbucks.

The only truly bizarre thing in the morning was Alex’s total lack of appetite. But no, that wasn’t quite right, because it wasn’t simply a lack of hunger. That wasn’t unusual. However, Alex feeling nauseous at even the smell of the eggs Thomas had scrambled up _was_ unusual, and Alex felt anxiety increasing the nausea as Thomas sat across from him. Alex wasn’t eating, didn’t think he could, he was just pushing the eggs around his plate and Thomas would notice and Thomas had gone to the trouble to make breakfast for him and he was too selfish to actually make himself eat them and Thomas would realize what a horrible boyfriend he was and Thomas would hate him and Thomas would finally leave him and suddenly Alex couldn’t breathe-

He jumped at the feeling of a hand gently cupping his cheek, but relaxed when he saw who the hand belonged to. It was just Thomas, Thomas was still here, promised to stay and that he’d never hurt him. Alex leaned into the touch, closed his eyes and just breathed for a moment. Once he’d calmed back down, he was able to pick up on what Thomas was saying to him. “Shh, it’s alright darlin’, you’re okay. That’s it. Come back to me. There you go.” Alex moved his hands to wrap his arms around himself, trying and failing to suppress a shudder.

“I-I’m sorry, Thomas. I d-didn’t-” Thomas cut him off with a gentle kiss, more of a soft press of their lips together than anything else.

“It’s okay, darlin’. You got nothing to apologize for.” And Alex didn’t quite believe him, and that alone made him want to cry because he’d been doing so well, hadn’t he? He hadn’t relapsed, hadn’t even felt the need to, and he’d been rather stable. He was doing so _well_ , today had started _so_ _well_ , why was he suddenly plummeting again? He felt his bottom lip trembling and bit down on it viciously to repress it. Thomas frowned when he noticed, but allowed it. “What happened, sweetheart?”

Alex shook his head desperately, finally feeling tears welling up in his eyes. He unwrapped an arm, desperately trying to wipe them away even as he heard Thomas cooing. He couldn’t do this, especially not now. They both had work, and Alex needed to just stop being so pathetic and manipulative. “I don’t know!” he whimpered, hating the way his voice cracked. “It’s dumb, it’s nothing, we have work-”

Thomas pressed his forehead against Alex’s, gently shushing him again. “Alex, if it made you upset, it’s not ‘nothing’, or ‘dumb’. And you’re in no state to be going in today. I can email Mr. Washin-”

It took Alexander a moment to register what Thomas was actually saying, but the moment he did, he objected. “No!” Thomas jumped slightly, seeming surprised by both Alex’s outburst and the intensity with which he’d spoken. “I don’t…I can’t…” He let out a frustrated groan, angry that the words he was supposed to be able to so expertly wield weren’t coming to him. “I have to work,” he finally said, and something about his expression made Thomas simply say ‘okay, Alex’ and that was that.

The car ride to work was silent, stiflingly so, and Alex for once walked to his office on his own instead of letting Thomas escort him there as they jokingly did every morning. Thomas told him it was only proper etiquette that he ensure his prince safely got to his office. Alex just rolled his eyes with a laugh, allowed it because even if he’d never admit it, it made him happy. But that morning? Alex couldn’t handle it, couldn’t handle being in the presence of his boyfriend for an extended period of time.

The rest of the day was a blur, one he even now couldn’t remember. He sat at his desk, moving for nothing, and wrote and read and drafted and edited and revised and _wrote_. It was soothing, and did it’s job of pushing all thoughts other than work out of his mind. He would’ve been perfectly content to just sit in front of his computer for the rest of his life, to stay in his office’s ugly rolling chair and rot, but that plan was cut short by the arrival of Thomas. He was in the middle of typing a sentence when he heard the knock on his door. He didn’t respond, didn’t look up, didn’t even break his typing rhythm. He just kept going.

“Alex, baby, please open the door…” It was almost enough to actually pull Alex away from his computer because Thomas sounded really upset and Thomas shouldn’t ever be upset and Thomas especially shouldn’t ever be upset because of someone like Alex. But Alex didn’t think he could stop typing right now anyway, was pretty sure if he did he’d shake apart entirely. He’d been hearing John all day, with every thing he did, hearing how he wasn’t enough, was never enough, how selfish and disgusting he was, and _can’t you do any better than **this** , Alex?_

A gentle hand on his shoulder has Alex lurching backwards, careening his chair into the corner of the room. Alex curled into himself on it, feeling disgusting tears welling in his eyes and he immediately covered his face to try and hide them because he knew crying didn’t help anything, crying just made everything worse and he couldn’t let John know he was crying. Hiding them was made rather ineffective by the loud sobs that wrenched out of him, shaking his entire frame. Apologies fell from his mouth, quick and broken, barely understandable, but he had to let John know somehow, he didn’t mean to flinch, really, he knew John wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt him because John loved him and everything John did was because John loved him and Alex was the problem because Alex was always the problem and he’s sorry, honest, he’ll try to be better for John he’ll make it up-

“-ex! Alexander, please, you have to breathe, you have to calm down and open your eyes and breathe!” And now Alex was confused because that didn’t sound like John and Alex couldn’t figure out who was talking to him the voice was too muffled but it wasn’t John, it _wasn’t John_ , and Alex was scared now because he _needed John_ , where was John???

“J-J-…John…” Alex’s voice was shaky and breathy and he sounded even to his own ears completely wrecked and he hated it but John was more important, would always be, and Alex had to get to John. He felt arms wrap around him and screamed, fighting to get away, because whoever that was wasn’t John. The arms managed to wrap themselves around him with his arms pinned to his sides, and he couldn’t get out and he couldn’t breathe and maybe this was the hurricane from St. Croix, coming back to finish what it should’ve all those years ago, sending waves and rain and wind to beat down on him relentlessly

“ _Alexander_!” The word was spoken sharply, a quick snap cutting through the storm and the panic and everything else, and it was enough for Alex to come back, if a little, realize that it was Thomas talking to him and Thomas holding him and Thomas was safe so if Thomas was here then Alex was safe, too, right? “Yes, Alex, you’re safe, there’s no storm, there’s no hurricane and John can’t hurt you anymore. You’re safe, darlin’.” Alex crumpled into himself even more, practically falling out of the chair. If Thomas weren’t there steadying him, he would’ve fallen long ago.

There were a million things that Alex should say, ‘thank you’, ‘i’m sorry’, ‘i love you’, ‘don’t leave’, but the only word that came out of Alex’s mouth was “John…” and Thomas looked brokenhearted and devastated and Alex hated himself for ever putting that look on Thomas.

But when Thomas spoke again, he didn’t sound hurt or angry, just concerned and loving and gentle and “Oh, Alex…” Thomas was hugging him, saying how they had to get Alex home and can he walk? Before he even had the chance to answer that, Thomas was carefully lifting him up, and Alex was so tired and Alex didn’t want to hear John anymore and Thomas always made John go away, so Alex curled into Thomas’ chest, burying his face in the older man’s neck. As they walked through the building, Alex slowly became more aware, slowly pieced himself back together with the help of Thomas’ grip grounding him and Thomas’ gentle voice, talking to him about anything because he knew how much Alex loved his voice and how much it helped Alex ground himself and Alex didn’t think he’d ever loved Thomas more than he did then, being carried out of their work building.

When they got outside, Alex noticed it was dark. He must’ve been holed up in his office for hours after work, and Thomas had stayed for him, waited for him and came to help him when Alex hadn’t left on his own. And again, a flurry of words came to Alex’s mind, but all that came out was a quiet “I love you,” and Thomas looked down at him and Alex thought the older man understood, because he smiled softly and whispered back “And I love you,” and Alex smiled and relaxed further into the other man’s grip.

The next thing Alex was aware of was him and Thomas sitting in their window couch. The Virginian was stretched out, with Alex situated on his lap and leaning against the taller man’s chest. Looking outside, Alex saw tiny white flakes gently drifting towards the ground, and he smiled. No matter how many times he saw it, snow would always make him smile. He’d never had it back on Nevis, had only really started seeing it when he moved to New York. He leaned further into Thomas, tilting his head back to look up at him. “Thomas, it’s snowing.”

And Thomas smiled, murmured, “I know, darlin’.” And this was probably why they were situated on their couch seat instead of in their bed, because Thomas knew how much Alex loved the snow, knew how much it calmed him, and Alex turned around so they were chest to chest and pressed a soft kiss to Thomas’ lips. He was smiling too much to make it anything more than a press of the lips, but Thomas didn’t seem to mind, because Thomas was smiling too as he wrapped his arms around Alexander.

And as he turned his head to watch the snow, Alex thought that he’d never need John again. Thomas would always be everything he needed. And when Alex forgot that, forgot that what he and John had in those last three years wasn’t love? Thomas would be there to remind him. And they were okay.


End file.
